I find myself constantly torn between wanting to date seriously and not. I'm a strange (sweaty-she) beast, I know. I may or may not have slight commitment issues. Ok, big may. One of the many reasons: I was in a rocky, tumultuous 6 year relationship with my college bf, Mr. Onion Hater. I was miserable, he was miserable and if we would had stayed together and gotten married *shudder* it would have been just F'ing terrible for both of us. We met our Freshmen year in college and at the time we had similar interests (i.e. drinking & partying) and ran in the same circle of friends, got into the usual college freshmen shenanigans. We were that drama filled couple with obnoxiously loud screaming fights. Punches may or may not have been thrown at one point or another. Many broken cell phones, holes in walls, got exiled from his Frat house, lot's of nasty things said, ect. If there was a list of top 10 couples for fighting and drama at our college, we would taken dis-honorable mention slot # 2. I am an absolute terror when pissed off and he knew exactly what buttons to push me over the edge. A lot of the drama and fighting were due to my insecurities, massive amounts of alcohol, and lack of maturity on both ends. It was really my first serious relationship. It wasn't all horrible, I won't go into details but we should have broken up a lot sooner. I have no regrets, learned so much from that relationship, about myself, men and commitment in general. That relationship ending was one of the best things that has happened to me. At the time of the break up I was so clouded in anger and grief I couldn't see that, but now in hindsight, it really was. Seriously.....I can't even fathom being in that relationship again. Ever. I would rather spoon my eyes out with a plastic spork.
I find myself single at the beginning of 2012 (pattern much?). Ok, so I didn't "find" myself in this position, I chose to be single. Mr. Rock Climber was really sweet and we had a lot of fun but it just didn't work out, so I ended it after a few months. Where as Mr. Alaska seemed so perfect on paper, Mr. Rock Climber was all wrong on paper, but I wanted to try something different. He and I came from two different worlds, two different educational backgrounds, two different socio-economic classes, two different views on life, just too different. He was really a good person, hard working and good morals. He had a son, and usually that is a big red flag for me but I decided to give it a shot. Hey, I'm all about trying things once in life. I must have had a BIG mental lapse. Yeah......I'm sooooo not ready to be "stepmom T". Seriously, what the hell was I even thinking? I don't even like kids and refer them as "fuck trophies". To be very frank, I really wasn't fully emotionally invested in this relationship (yes, my BF's called me out on it) although, I rarely am fully emotionally invested in most relationships. I may or may not be slightly emotional stunted (walls much?). I probably didn't go about the break-up very smoothly or gracefully (I'm not exactly known for my timing or word choice) but break-ups are rough and not fun for either party. Ok, I was the asshole this time around. There, I said it.
I have no problem hiking out in the back country alone, jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, or leaping off a cliff into water that I have no idea how deep it is........but the thought of being stuck in a miserable marriage, raising 2.5 children and a labadoodle is absolutely terrifying for me. Not having the ability to chase after my passions scare the hell out of me. I don't care how nice or big the gilded cage is......if I don't have the freedom & independence to do what I want, I'll suffocate. After each relationship, I become more & more fiercely protective of my independence and freedom. Besides my job, me, myself & I.......I pretty much don't have any other responsibilities. I'm selfish.....I totally admit that. I like being able to do what I want with my free time and money. I don't do very well with being told what to do or "no" (just ask my poor wonderful boss....haha). But under all the jaded cynicism, I know I'll find that one right guy who fits me in all of my eccentric glory to share my life and adventures with. I'm not one to settle and I know I can be picky. I'm not looking for Mr. Money bags, a knight in shining armor or a super model, but I have a pretty good idea on what I don't want. Not in any rush. A wise man once told me it's not the destination but the journey, so this could be a long F'ing ride! ;)
I'm back in the dating scene and already in a couple of months I've provided my best friends with a plethora of outrageous and entertaining stories. I swear they keep me around as the token single friend for sheer amusement. Assholes. I need new friends.
Stay tuned for "
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